Why hello there friend, enemy or acquaintance. It's been quite a while since I've posted here. I sometimes post small quips on Facebook, but I don't really find that it's the right forum to truly divulge deep thoughts and sentiments. I'm not sure if I'll be updating this very often, which, let's be honest, you've already got enough corners of the internet to check every day. I bet you are already seeing the length of this blog post in your peripheral vision questioning if you'll even finish it. Well, I hope you do, and I'm sure you'll feel like you know me more by its end. Go ahead, give it a shot :)
I've changed a lot in the past 2 years, especially this past year of 2012. I've learned a lot about myself, and learned a lot that I needed to change. A 4 year relationship ended at the end of 2011, showing me what true emotional pain feels like. It's single handedly the worst thing that I've ever felt or been through. But I wouldn't trade it for a thing in the world. Losing your best friend, not to mention your girlfriend, is a tough thing to experience. There was a plan in that, and only being on the other side of it can you realize what it was. Growing is tough. Things have to change to grow, and sometimes that means things being ripped out of your life. I've been over that situation for a good 9 months now, which is freeing to me to be able to talk about it. I can withhold what I want, because, frankly, its none of your business. But to show you where I am, you must know where I've been. I've changed a lot of things in my life, which I cannot express in words to you how great it feels to not be stuck in your 'way of life.' So many people have one mindset and never give an attempt in the pursuit of life and happiness. I'm not one of them any longer.
I'm thankful to have true friends in my life that can sit me down and tell me where I'm being an idiot without calling me an idiot. It's a great thing to have people in your life that have experienced different situations and can give you trial and error methods of when things worked, and when they didn't. I faced many things that I needed to change, seemingly all at once. It was quite a hurdle, but its a good thing this rabid cheetah in lane 2 was ready for the race :) I looked at it as a challenge. I've always looked at personal development as a challenge, but until you face it head on, you don't realize how tough it can be. But when you look in life's mirror, you can only smile when you think about how worth it it was to have gone through that experience.
One of the most important things that I learned was that it is ok to be wrong. I put such stipulations on myself about doing the best job possible and not letting anyone down that when I inevitably did, I let myself down far worse. When I let them down, I forgot to express that nice little word 'sorry' that allowed them to understand that I truly was sorry, and I'll do better next time. Instead, I came off as defensive and acted in pride. My heart didn't mean to be prideful, it was just the byproduct of the failure. Looking back on that part of me now, I am so happy to be able to apologize when I have failed. I still strive to do the best job attainable in each given situation but I have the wisdom running along with it that if it doesn't match up to the standards I had set in my mind, its ok. There's always another day to do better, and improvement is a goal that is never attained, but is always aimed for.
Another thing is I started hating how opinionated I was, and how it made me look. I've come to accept other's opinions, disagreeing or agreeing. I've learned to respect people's opinions without comparing it to my own, and I've gained much freedom in just this one act of self-adjustment. Now when I see others holding tight onto an opinion and not having an open mind to another side, I smile inside a little because I remember I used to do that. Don't get me wrong, I still hold tight to certain ideals and moral ties that I've grown up with, but I try and do it with more tact and love. There's nothing wrong with disagreeing and having spirited debates. After all, its what makes us individuals.
I've also began to have a love for people that I've never had before. I've learned to try and relate to people's situations whether I've experienced it or not. I just truly care about what they are going through and want to do what I can to help. Sharing love to a stranger is one of the most selfless things you can do, and I'm striving to do that every chance I get.
My attitude and outlook have taken a drastic turn for the better as well. I've recently had a 90 day performance evaluation at my job, and being told that my attitude brings freshness to the department made me feel so happy I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I knew that I used to look at things with a more negative filter, but I now try and look for the positive side of everything. Its another one of those goals that is always being pursued, but knowing how it used to be only makes it better when you choose positivity over a negative thought.
I've learned many other things so far in the quarter-century I've lived on this planet, and I'm looking forward to the next lesson. I encourage you to hold fast to yourself, and stay true to who you are. Ask yourself one important question. It's a question I asked myself a quite some time ago, and its given me much freedom in knowing who I am as a person and as a Christian. Do you believe what you believe because someone close to you does, or do you believe it because in the depths of your heart you know that you believe it? Its never going to change inside of you and for the rest of your life you will hold fast to it? You have to be able to have a real and true conversation with yourself about that question. There's not a right or wrong answer really. Personally, I found that a lot of the beliefs my friends and family hold onto I truly share deep in my heart. I just had to know that I believed them because I truly felt they were right, not because they believed them. Your answer might vary, but at least you'll know more of who you are at the end of that thought process.
Well, this has been fun. I truly appreciate you reading this if you've gotten this far. I enjoy sharing my heart in this form and find it a great outlet to express my heart.
You are blessed, now live like it! :)
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